The No: 1 tag embarrasses her. "Achieving this position is not difficult. I was a superstar after just one hit, Himmatwala. It's maintaining this position that keeps me tense all the time."
But wealth and fame are not the ultimate goals in her life. "It's the simple things of life that gives me joy. I long for... the warmth and tenderness of my husband's arms... the bliss of motherhood."
With all her defenses down, the normally shy and introverted Sridevi reveals all about her dreams, her hopes and herself...
I was a very shy and lonely child. There were just the two of us. My sister, Latha, and I. Even though my parents were devoted to me, I was lonely, I hated crowds and people. The minute I saw more than three or four people in a room, I'd run and hind behind my mother's pallav, I was extremely attached to her. I still am.
I did my schooling - if you can all it that - at Good Shepherd's High School in Madras. I could not continue after the seventh standard because of my career. I had a tutor come home and coach me. And i preferred that because I hated all those strange children crowding around me.
My father was a lawyer and we were quite rich even in those days. He gave us the best of everything. I am very fond of him and respect him. But am also a little scared of him. He was very keen that I become a lawyer like him. In fact, when I got a break, as a heroine, there was a lot of arguing at home. it was my mother who was very keen that I join films. I have been acting since the age of five. My mother has always taken all the major decisions in my life. I am totally dependent on her for everything. As a child I had no friends. Whenever I felt lonely, I would go and bury my head in her bosom. I still do that. But of late, I have become very short-tempered. Sometimes I get so angry that I break things and smash glasses... I have a very violent temper, but mange to keep it in check. What angers me is lack of discipline and punctuality. If I don't get my breakfast on time, I get mad at everyone including my mother, but if my father is around, I never throw tantrums. I just curse quietly and walk out of the house. My mother is also my biggest critic. her opinions of my films are the only ones that are sincere.
My sister Latha is also extremely attached to my mother. Latha is my constant companion, my only friend. Some producers had offered her roles, but I stopped her from accepting them. One actress in the family is enough. Besides, I need her with me all the time. I think even when I get married, I'll take her along with me.
I am a hyper sensitive and emotional person. My family tells me that I should toughen up and try not to get hurt so easily. I'm a total introvert. if I get hurt, I can't even confide in my sister. I just suffer silently - this affects me physically. I toss and turn the whole night; and the next day, my face is all red and swollen.
I dream a lot, every night in fact. Most of the time I dream of horrible things like ghosts, phantoms and snakes. Of late, I have repeatedly been having a dream of being surrounded by snakes. And I wake up very frightened. I then go and sleep with my mother, holding her hand. maybe its because I see a lot of horror films. People tell me that dreaming of snakes means that you have a lot of enemies. my dreams are very ominous at times. My favourite dream is one in which I see a very handsome man dressed in white who comes towards me and kisses me gently. And when we kiss a transformation takes place, and we are in bridal clothes. God, he's the most handsome man I've ever seen. But I can never remember his face. This dream makes me very happy.
I remember my first role as a heroine. I was only only 11, but physically very mature which made me look much older. So I could play both a child artiste and a heroine simultaneously. It's very strange, but my shyness and loneliness completely disappear before the camera. I actually come alive.
I love soft western music. Although I don't understand most of it. I find it soothes me. I also enjoy disco music like Michael Jackson's - but only sometimes. I love sad music - anything that's haunting and melodious.
I also like books with tragic endings. I don't have any favourite author because I started reading only recently. I enjoy woman-oriented subjects. My friends say that my passion for sad music and books is very morbid.
Although I was born and bred in Madras, I hate Tamil. It is very harsh on the ears. I do speak both Hindi and English but not fluently, so I feel very embarrassed to speak these languages in company. I love Telugu, my mother tongue, which is musical and beautiful. I love the way my friend Rekha speaks it.
South Indian girls are trained in classical dancing right from childhood, so I can't imagine life without it. I hate disco dancing and wearing those outlandish clothes and wriggling on screen. I do it only because it's my profession. I have never been to a disco in my life! But I'm sure I'll hate it anyway, because basically I hate crowds. My mother is conservative and dislikes me going to discos and parties. She doesn't like me going anywhere.
I love eating. It's one of my greatest joys. I have at least six meals a day as I get hungry every two hours. I eat a heavy breakfast before I leave the SeaRock, but by the time I reach the studio, I have another breakfast. I love Chinese food, especially the chicken and lobster dishes. I also love all kinds of sweets, ice-creams and pastries. But no meal is complete without my curd and rice. Even after a Chinese meal, I must have a little of that. I try to avoid spicy food because of my pimple problem. My parents never let me diet. When I eat at home, my dad always stands behind my chair to see that I finish everything on my plate. I keep telling him that I eat so much I won't be No:1 for very long! But he tells me that my health is more important than my career. I laugh because my mama feels that I still look undernourished. She insists ton my having all sorts of vitamins in the morning. Maybe that's why I keep feeling hungry.
Although I love food, I cannot cook and I'm ashamed of this. But I have never had the opportunity to learn cooking. My mama never lets me into the kitchen. I want to marry a man who can cook well. Rekha cooks very well. Although she is a strict vegetarian, she makes prawns and lobsters for me.
My mother and sister do all my shopping. I don't know much about clothes and fashion. Latha tells me that I'm old fashioned and dowdy. When I'm not shooting, I'm comfortable in a salwar kameez or a sari. I like the traditional Indian look - lots of jewellery and bindi, but my sister forced me to wear jeans to a party and I felt uncomfortable that I kept squirming and someone asked me if there were ants in my trousers! I have never worn trousers after that. No, I don't own any of the clothes because the type of clothes I wear are available only in Bombay and Madras.I only get my makeup from abroad. Every six months, someone from my family goes to London to buy it, here cosmetics are very bad for the skin. Off-screen, I don't wear any makeup, not even lipstick. I look so plain that no one would ever recognise me as Sridevi the star. I feel Sridevi the star and Sridevi the person are two different personalities.
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